I briefly dated a man three years ago. The breakup hurt me deeply, but when he reached out a few months later to apologize, I forgave him and life went on. We ended up being a part of the same sports club and competing in some races together – he as my partner – and we fell back into some sort of semi-situationship. We have dinners together, we share rooms together at races, and he tells me he loves me and I tell him the same, but there is not anything going on. This situation is really starting to mess with my head and hurt me, but I don’t want to cause waves among our friendship group at the club and create scenes. Please help. — Situation on My Hands
If the situation is messing with your head, change the situation. You can start with lower impact/less disruptive changes, like not returning “I love you’s” with your ex. (You can nod, or say “thanks,” or simply ignore him.) You can stop having dinners together and sharing rooms at races. You have other friends in the sports club, so share a room with one of them. If your ex asks why the change, be honest and say that the murky boundaries you share, combined with unresolved feelings from your breakup, are keeping you from fully enjoying the sports club.
If these changes don’t do the trick or if they “cause waves” within your friendship group, then you’ll need to employ bigger changes, which may include dropping out of the sports club and/or finding a new group of friends (perhaps through a different sports club). You should never feel like you need to compromise your sense of comfort or make yourself smaller/take up less space in order to appease friends. True friends would want you to prioritize your emotional well-being, and would respect the boundaries you need to create to do so, even if it means making some adjustments within your friendship group.
I’ve been dating for a month this guy – “Dick” – who seems sweet and showers me with gifts and affection, but there are some things bothering me. We met in Europe but live in different states, so we can’t see each other. He had a girlfriend when we met, and his original plan was to get laid in Europe, which is obviously concerning. He’s assured me he wouldn’t cheat on me, but I feel like he said that to his ex, too. He also constantly compares me to her, and once when I tried to break off our romantic relationship, he immediately tried to get back with his ex within a day, and he referred to our romantic relationship as a “dumb decision.” Dick also got pissy when I said I’d rather go to my dream college than somewhere near him. He said dreams don’t always work out and I should give up on mine. I also have financial struggles and I mentioned how hard I’ll be working towards trying to land a scholarship through my art portfolio. Then he told me skill goes backwards, too, even if you practice, which, again, felt like he was dismissing my dreams. Dick apologized frantically after he realized how what he said upset me. Another concern I had was that one night I got a little drunk – too drunk to legally consent – and even though he was completely sober, he didn’t stop me from getting intimate with him, and that seems weird. Still, he is so sweet, constantly showering me with affection and gifts, and it’s so flattering, especially since my recent ex didn’t even acknowledge me on my birthday. Sometimes, though, it feels like a lot and I just have a strong gut feeling that something is wrong. — Showered With Affection
Trust your gut. What this guy is doing sounds a lot like love bombing, “an emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments, attention, or affection to eventually control them.” That this guy is also dismissing your choice in college and dismissing your pursuit of your dreams as a waste of time further suggests he is controlling and emotionally manipulative. His cheating on his ex with you and then running back to her as soon as you tried to break up with him is the nail in the coffin. This guy is bad news, and you’ll be relieved in a few weeks when you think back on him and realize you dodged a bullet.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
